Axel's Journal
by DancingwithDestiny
Summary: Given a journal by the well-meaning Demyx, Axel writes small entries on his views on the Organization and being a Nobody, and of his friendship with Roxas.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is yet another one of my earlier works of fanfiction ^^' I guess this came mostly from my wanting to explore the concepts of Nobodies their "non-existence," and their (supposed) lack of hearts. I, for one questioned the whole "Nobodies-don't-have-hearts-thus-they-are-feelingless" theory from the beginning, mainly because of what I saw in Axel up to that point. This fic pretty much started from a line I wrote in one of my notebooks that is present here: "We call ourselves "Nobodies," non-existent beings, and yet, here we are, seemingly existing. Yes, we have but a tenuous hold on existence, but then again, don't we all?" When I wrote it, I imagined it coming from Axel's perspective. And some time later, I decided to write a fic around that, in the form of Axel writing in a journal. (I changed the wording of that line since then) My only downfall in this may have been that I may have made Axel "write" too formally, but I didn't want to sacrifice grammatical accuracy for realism -.-'  
I hope it isn't too noticable ^^'

* * *

Hey, the name's Axel, got it memorized?

Not sure what to write here, Demyx got me this journal for my "birthday"; that is, when I came into this non-existence. He thinks I keep to myself a bit too much. Actually, I'm trying to keep away from _him_…Anyway…I guess I DO have some things on my mind that I can't really talk about with anyone else. Maybe Demyx is right…a stopped clock is right twice a day, right? Or this could be one of his dumb pranks…

Anyway...most of the members of the Organization are searching for knowledge (the others just seem to be along for the ride); as am I. For knowledge of the heart, and of Kingdom Hearts.

We call ourselves "Nobodies," non-existent beings, and yet, here we are, seemingly existing. Yes, we seem to have but a tenuous hold on existence, but then again, doesn't everyone?

They tell us that we don't have hearts, and most take that to be a fact. (Demyx doesn't seem to fully believe it.) I used to, given the lack of such a sensation in my chest at the time, but lately I've been having doubts about this statement accepted as fact.

From the day I first met Roxas, everything changed. He is different from anyone I have ever met. He makes me, as crazy as it might sound, feel like I have a heart.

What if all the things we've been told about "Nobodies" are wrong? What if we actually DO have hearts, and they are teetering on the edge of existence like we are? A heart so small and frail that most can't even feel it? One that is so weak that it fades away with the rest of our non-being? One that a Heartless wouldn't want, for it would disintegrate in their clutches? A remnant, a cast shadow of the heart that we once had?

The way Roxas makes me feel isn't described in any of our studies or books, but I know it's real. Well, as real as it CAN be, anyway…If anyone else in the Organization has felt this way around Roxas, they aren't talking about it. Perhaps I am the only one here who feels this way. Maybe Roxas and I were meant to meet in this life or something. Yes, I do believe in such things, at least I do now; like past and future lives, the meant-to-be's; hell, even in soul mates. Hey, there isn't anything out there that proves that they DON'T exist, is there? Perhaps us being together and being this close is part of some greater cosmic plan that I am not aware of. Or maybe Vexen was right when he said that humans tend to like giving greater meaning to some pretty random crap. All I know is that Roxas makes me feel better than anyone else ever has; he makes me feel like a better person.

And I never want him to leave.

* * *

End note: I revamped this slightly from the original when typing it up; fixing stuff, adding lines, clarifying, etc. A couple new lines in this were pretty much inspired by one of my two best friends, a militant agnostic ;D  
The first one's obvious (the line where he says that there isn't anything that proves that some metaphysical concepts do or don't exist), the second one I drew from one an answer to a question on one of her Myspace surveys; I attributed it to Vexen because it sounded like something a scientist might say xD

I wrote two other "entries" to this, which I have typed up and loaded into fanfiction, but still need to edit. So expect those sometime in the near future :)


	2. Chapter 2

I almost forgot this chapter o///o

Seriously, I thought I'd already posted this chapter and was gonna go right ahead and post the third one. I didn't even have this one re-typed back up until I realized. Oops. .///.'

Well, enjoy, and sorry for the delay; all will be explained in the third chapter author's note, which with any luck, I'll be posting shortly after this.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these people or the settings. And this is not loyal to 358/2 Days, since it was first written well before it was even announced.

* * *

Hey, Axel again. I just barely managed to get away from Demyx and his sitar. He's convinced that all I need is a song to get out of what he calls my "mopey mood." Listening to him sing might make it worse...but I digress. These days, I can't really help being less than happy about things.

Lately, Roxas has been seriously considering leaving the Organization. He has mentioned it before in passing, but I hadn't taken it seriously. We all have our bad days, right?

But the way he's been talking lately, I think he might actually try to do it.

Every day he gets more and more dissatisfied with the Organization. He told me that when Xemnas approached him to join the Organization, he told Roxas that he would be able to find out who he is if he joined up, but Roxas doesn't know much more than when he started.

Part of that...is my fault. But I can't tell him about the Keyblade wielder. I'm forbidden to, under threat of being turned into a lesser Nobody. But making false promises to a naïve kid, a newborn Nobody? I never did that.

I hate Xemnas for it, for manipulating him like that, but...would Roxas and I be together now if he hadn't?

That's the main reason why I haven't told Roxas about his Other...not because of the risk of losing my individuality, but of the risk of losing him. I know he'd try to track his Other down if he knew, and...that would mean I would never see him again.

The small amount of information he has obtained has only heightened his curiosity, and made him thirst for more. His possession of the Keyblade only puzzles him further; he knows the magnitude of being the Keyblade's Chosen One, and he doesn't know why he, out of so many others, especially those with hearts, was chosen. My explanation doesn't seem to satisfy him.

("Because you're just that cool." He just rolls his eyes)

What really worries me is that he wants to do this alone. Why, I don't know. I'd be more than willing to come along and help him. As far as I know, no one's ever left the Organization and lived. He could be eliminated before he even gets close to what he's looking for. Anything could happen to him...and I would give anything to make sure he's safe. And, maybe to see him one last time...

Granted, I think the Organization is pretty crappy too, but the main reason I stay is because of Roxas. If he left, then what would there be left for me?

I try to hear him out, and to be understanding, but whenever I think about him going away, and not coming back...my throat tightens, and I feel something like pain, where my heart should be. The pain...of loss.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I own none of these people. Squeenix and Disney do. Lucky mo-fos.

Okay, so, sorry about the loooong wait for this; I am often forgetful when it comes to updating on FFnet, and because of that, all the documents I had saved here for editing went poof. D: And the original files were on my old computer, which was in the attic for over a year, so I had to retype up EVERYTHING. X_X  
I'm still not done ._.  
But I'm kind of glad about that; I got to properly revise my stories, so they're not such crap :D

(oh, yeah, and what I said on the previous chapter? I lost internet access right after I posted that DX And after that I was just lazy ._.')

ANYWAY, sorry, but this'll probably be the last chapter I write for this story. I didn't write or think further than this, annnd most of this has been hilariously disproven by 358/2 Days by now (omg, Axel ACTUALLY had a journal! D: ), so I figure I might as well quit it while I'm ahead xD;

Buuuut if you guys like it and want me to continue, I could come up with something. Though I'm kind of thinking that in all likelihood, Axel probably left his journal behind when he left the Org. :/

Anyway, enjoy! :D

* * *

Axel here. I've been keeping Demyx and the others away from my room by shooting flames under the door. Their reactions must be pretty entertaining…but, anyway…

Last night…was the worst night of my life.

Roxas was true to his word: He has left the Organization, and me.

Late that night, Roxas came into my room and woke me, to tell me that he was leaving. I tried to tell him to think it through, but he said he had already done enough thinking about it.

He asked me to go ahead of him, to keep watch and to make sure no one else would see us. I agreed; I wanted to do everything possible to make sure he'd be safe. What choice did I have?

So I went out into the Dark City by myself; we didn't leave the castle together so as not to arouse suspicion. I looked all around as I walked, listening carefully, making sure there weren't any other Organization members out in the streets. It was a long walk.

I stopped just at the edge of town, leaned up against the side of a building, and waited.

For what felt like an eternity, all I heard was the falling rain.

Then, Roxas came striding down the alley, not looking at me, his eyes fixed straight ahead.

I attempted one last time to talk him out of it. I gave the best, most logical arguments I had, but his decision was final. He asked the same question I'd heard so many times before:

"Why did the Keyblade choose me?"

And just like all the other times before, I was silent. I debated once more whether to tell him the secret that I'd been trusted with; the one that I was threatened with a fate worse than death if I'd ever let slip.

I speculated for a moment too long.

"I have to know," he said, responding to my silence, before he started to walk away again.

I told him once more that the Organization wouldn't show him any mercy toward him if he did this.

Then he said:

"No one would miss me."

Those were the last words I thought I'd ever hear him say.

I was silent, stunned.

Roxas took my silence as an opportunity, and he turned and walked away.

"That's not true," I said in desperation, finding my voice again. "I would."

Roxas either didn't hear me or didn't want to hear me; he continued walking regardless. Perhaps he was just playing it tough to make it easier for himself. Maybe he was lying to himself so there would be no pain; I don't know. I'd rather not think that that is what he actually believed. I mean...fine, we ARE Nobodies, but...am I the only one who sensed that what we had was different? Am I the only one who _felt _anything? Maybe...

Still in a state of shock, I watched him walk down that path until I could no longer see him. I stood there for some time; frozen, not sure what to do. A clear thought broke through the swarming chaos in my mind: I had to get back.

I turned around and walked back to where I had come. I started to have this horrible feeling inside, like what I'd felt before when I'd only imagined Roxas leaving. Now, it was ten times worse. It seemed to pull my whole body downward.

But I kept walking, with my head hung down without knowing why. It was like that for a few paces, then suddenly my eyes stung, and my vision started to blur. I blinked my eyes, and I felt something warm run down my face. I was puzzled for a moment, then I realized:

I was _crying._

I couldn't believe it, I'd never done that before, not since I'd lost my heart, and the only other Nobody I've seen cry was Demyx, when we'd pick on his sitar playing (and singing, among other things). But it wasn't the same as this.

I had to keep going, so I walked on while I felt these strange sensations.

The walk back seemed even longer than before. Why it didn't occur to me then to just use a portal, I don't know. I guess I wasn't in any hurry to get back.

I got back, and I slipped quietly into my room and into my bed, but I didn't get much sleep. I lay awake for a while, thinking about all that had happened, replaying the events in my mind, tearing up more than once. I thought about how I regret all the times I could have told Roxas how I felt -- that I felt anything at _all_ -- but didn't. Maybe he wouldn't have left then…

And when I did finally sleep, I saw Roxas in my dreams.

What's going on? What's happening to me? I feel more empty inside than I ever did before. I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

Like I've lost my heart again.

The next day, everyone woke up to Xemnas' loud yells; it was probably the loudest any of us had ever heard him.

"WHERE'S ROXAS?!"

He has interrogated everyone, including me. I lied and told him that I didn't know when, how and where he left. Roxas could've still been in that city, and I certainly didn't want to risk him being harmed. I think he believed it, but Saïx seems very suspicious of me. He's been giving me these glaring looks ever since. Granted, he's been like that for a while, especially after I got back from Castle Oblivion, but now it's only gotten worse.

I was considering leaving the Organization as well, but I realized, what with all the members wanting to find Roxas too, for reasons different than mine, that I'd have the best chance of finding him if I stayed. Saïx told me that if he does locate him, he'd send me to bring him back.

I _will_ find Roxas, and I _will_ bring him back.

I have to.


End file.
